What are the 12-Steps and what do they entail?

The 12-steps are a spiritual (not religious) programme to recover from addiction. Although the steps are often worked in order, they need not be worked sequentially. Members (or Fellows) ideally, work the steps with a Sponsor, who is another member in recovery. Working the steps can take anything from a few months to years, and members will often work the steps several times over.

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictive behaviour; that our lives had become unmanageable.

   Step 1 is about acceptance; it invites us to admit, that despite all our efforts, our addiction has gotten out of control. For many of us, it is preceded by a ‘rock bottom’, desperation, where we couldn’t go on and something had to change… we had to change. Step 1 is often worked by members writing their personal story about their addiction. This is where members look their addiction squarely in the eye without flinching. A good Step 1 will leave no room for denial, secrets, or soften the truth to make it more palatable. It will include key life events and the crazy things we did to get our fix. Step 1s are shared with a members’ Sponsor and may also be shared with a wider group during meetings.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

   In Step 2, we develop a belief in a Higher Power that can, and will help us recover from addiction. It’s about hope, we entertain the possibility that something cares about us, and that we can live a life of sanity once again.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

   Faith is trust with a track record. As addicts, we tend to have problems with trust. Step 3 is about trusting our higher power with our lives. Members are free to decide what their higher power is for them, but whatever we decide, we give up our control to run the show and surrender our life (not just our addictive patterns) to our higher power. We surrender our ego as the driving force in our life and in its place, we rely on our Higher Power to guide and direct our life with care and love.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

   In Step 4 we take a deep and honest look at ourselves. Step 4 takes courage…a lot of courage - it is not a pleasant process and it can be quite triggering. In working Step 4, members will typically make an inventory of all their secrets - things they have never told anyone and thought they’d take to the grave. They detail their fears, resentments, no matter how big or petty. As part of the process, ‘character defects’ such as envy, pride, anger, fear, impatience etc. are surfaced.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

   Once members have taken their inventory, they share this with their Sponsor. Unsurprisingly, Step 5 is about honesty, and with continued work in the programme, this will start to pervade other areas of their life. Harbouring secrets, and little white lies becomes a no-no for a Fellow in recovery.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

   Patience. In Step 6 we no longer want to sit with our defects. They caused harm to ourselves and others… we now become open and willing to change with the help of our Higher Power - but not immediately, overnight, but in God’s time.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

   In Step 7, we ask for help from our Higher Power to remove our defects of character - we develop humility. In working the previous steps, we have come to see that our addictive behaviour was our terrible way of coping with life and our defects. The Step 7 prayer tends to feature strongly in this step - here we pray to do the will of our Higher Power, not ours.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

   In Step 8, we identify and acknowledge the harm done to others as a result of our actions - whether this was directly related to acting our behaviour or not. The inventory created in Step 4 is often used as a starting point. We overcome shame, guilt, fear, pride, self righteousness, and build a willingness to make amends for that harm.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

   Step 9 is also a major step and can be triggering for members. Fellows will typically draft letter for every person on their harms list, and take action to make amends - this is not the same as saying sorry. We make our best efforts to mend and heal the harm caused. Step 9 is about healing and love. Primacy tends to be for a direct amends (ideally face to face) where possible, that is, unless it risks causing more harm. In such cases, or where a direct amends is not possible, indirect amends are made. These take many forms, including a life-long commitment to living differently (living amends), or a charity donation (something that may be used for harms we have caused). Fellows work Step 9 closely with their Sponsor.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

    Step 10 is one of integrity. Fellows take a frequent (usually daily) inventory, where they acknowledge mistakes and wrongdoing, and to make a prompt amends. This Step is akin to doing an intra-day version of Steps 4-9.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of Gods’ will for us and the power to carry that out.

    Self-discipline is the underlying principle of Step 11. It requires a Fellow to actively seek, and consistently develop a relationship with their higher power. Through prayer and meditation, our connection with God is strengthened.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives.

    Step 12 is about service, service, service. In working Step 12, we look not for what we can get from the programme, but what we can bring. We see how our experience can be of benefit to others in recovery. We take calls, do service at meetings by helping set up, run meetings etc. We donate money when we are able to do so. And when we are ready, we Sponsor others in recovery.

How long do addicts stay in a 12-step programme?

Short answer, it’s for life.

The long answer? An addict in recovery will accept that they are an addict and will always be an addict. There is no permanent fix or cure however, they can be an addict in recovery for decades - by working their programme one day at a time. As one Fellow once said ‘I have a disease that tells me I’m not sick. I need to keep taking my medicine everyday’.

While, this may seem like giving up on a cure, this paradoxical act of ‘surrender’ is an important one and vital to the sobriety of an addict, as captured in the Serenity prayer;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer, adopted by 12-step programmes, has many truths within it. The most apparent being, as addicts, we cannot control our addiction, but with courage, we can work our programme and our connection to our Higher Power, who keeps us in the light and our of our darkness.

How much commitment does the programme take?

There is no set time commitment for a 12-step recovery programme. You get out what you put into it, but it is a significant commitment and will become an integral part of an addict’s life. Newcomers often will work what’s referred to as a ‘90-in-90’, which means attending a meeting a day for 90-days. After this period, Fellows would normally attend at least 1 meeting a week, often several. However, while meetings are important, the actual work of the steps is done outside of meetings. Step work varies depending upon how quickly the steps are being worked and the style/flavour of a given Sponsor. As an anecdote, Step 4 can take anything from 1 full day to 50 hours of work.

Fellows working their recovery programme will also have daily actions. This will likely include reading recovery literature, prayer and meditation, journaling/taking personal inventory (Step 10), writing gratitude lists, and outreach calls with other Fellows (standard is 2 a day). These are in addition to Sponsor check-ins and meetings to work the steps. Fellows will also likely do service, and Sponsor other Fellows.

Why are there several 12-step programmes for Sex Addiction?

God knows… we’re complicated creatures aren’t we? Sex addiction is arguably more nuanced than says substance based addictions, such as alcohol or drugs. With these addictions, it’s fairly binary whether you’ve had a slip or not, but with sex addiction it’s less clear. Different Fellowships therefore, take a different approach in defining sobriety.

In Sexaholics Anonymous, there is a focus on ‘lust’ with acting out behaviours considered as a symptom of lusting which is sexual wanting and desire. For married sexaholics, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self (i.e. masturbation) or with persons other than the spouse. In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind - complete abstinence.

In Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), members are free to define their own personal bottom-lines and addictive behaviour. SAA uses the Three Circles, whereas SLAA describes Characteristics of sex and love addiction, and considers sexual anorexia as acting act as this is avoidance of intimacy.